I think John Denver sums it up best in his song, Back Home Again, when he says, "Hey it's good to be back home again, it's feels like a long lost friend."
I woke up this morning at 5 a.m. Walked down the same creaky stairs as I did in High School, went straight to the kitchen to make some coffee, looked at the coffee maker and thought to myself, "How in the hell do I make this thing work!?" That's when I realized, I've been gone a real long time.
I feel overwhelmed. I don't know which way to turn, where to go, what to do. I'm shocked. I didn't think I would be, but I am. I feel scared.
At 8 a.m. I decided that since I don't know what to do, that I would take my car out on a drive. As I opened the car door, sunk down into the seat, my past life smacked me in the face. I looked over at my CD case, flipped thru the pages and looked at the music I used to listen to. Some I didn't recognize anymore. Then I look up and hanging from my ceiling was the beautiful sight of the turkey feather my brother Dan gave me, with a piece of Blackfeet Sage tied to it. Wow! I thought to myself...Now that is Jess! Those first moments in my car, just sitting there looking, I felt like I was tying all of my learnings and growings into one "Jessness". I realized I've been many places and met many people and now I have finally completed the wholeness of who I am.
As I stuck the key into the ignition, my feet had no problem remembering the clutch and the gas pedal. My hands knew exactly what gears to move to as I began my morning drive. I headed straight for Highway 52. I can remember laying in my bed at Christmas time in Taiwan just feeling like I would give anything to drive that road. So, this moring that's exactly where I headed.
Iowa has never looked so beautiful before. There is green everywhere. Land for miles and miles with nothing on it! It looks so expansive to me! It is incredilbly beautiful! The farm houses, barns and silos ease my overwhelming feelings. I feel the curves of the roads like I had been there yesterday. I go past familiar places, signs, bars, country stores and nothing has changed, it's incredible! Nothing has really changed. I drive out to where my ancestors are from and think of my grandparents and miss them deeply, I drive past my best friend from HS's house and tears fill my eyes, I drive old roads to see new bridges have replaced the old rusty ones. Beauty is everywhere.
As I look around the city though, that's when the fear sets in. I don't even want to go into it. I am afraid. I want to keep myself sheltered right now. To fill my soul only with familiarities and not think about the future at the moment, the future is so unknown right now and so many decsions to make, I am glad I have the time to sort it all out.
The most amazing thing to me though, is that everything looks so clean. Dad says, they cleaned the entire city just for me. Ha ha! Just makes me realize what filth I've been living in. Also, as we drive down the city streets and I look at all the houses and stores and realize Sacred Heart Church never looked so enourmous to me before, but something seems missing, like there should be more trees or something and then....I just realize...it's becuase I can see the sky. I'm not used to seeing the sky anymore.
Now it's time to start my day...where to begin, I'm not quite sure, I guess I should take a look at my finances, that might help a little. And I think I will just take it easy...I look forward to seeing you all in due time....just gotta shake this shocking feeling first. Love you.
